Verecundia

Conference Announcement

2009-06-25T16:13:00.006-05:00

Attention Chicagoans: The Midwestern Conference for Fat, Stupid, and Overly Fecund Persons will be taking place on the Lakeshore Path for the duration of the summer. Attendees representing all 3 demographics will have their membership dues waived.

This day in Beatles History

2009-06-12T13:49:00.003-05:00

On this day in 1965, the Beatles were inducted into the Order of the British Empire (as Members, designated "MBE"). In recognition of this auspiciously inauspicious occasion, I offer my tribute below.

Mel Gibson's wife of 28 years files for divorce, cites "irreconcilable differences, perv 'stache"

2009-04-13T16:26:00.002-05:00

Advice

2009-03-11T15:00:00.004-05:00

Aventures on the grete cité

2008-12-22T15:02:00.006-06:00

In this contrey cam nevir knyght syn hit was crystynde but he founde strange adventures. Y rode and cam into a depe valey, hyght Chicago, betwixt grete buildings, and thereby I sawe three barownes of this realme, and one seyde, "Man, I could have a whole Jerry Springer show at my house." Than within a lytyll whyle, I cam upon another knyght, who wyste to teche another unto strong aventures, by three hyghewayes. He poynted the way with his fingoures and hondis, but the othir knyght was verily blinde, with red and whyte cayne, and could not se whother the first knyght seyde him to go. A cité of gadlynges, methinks.

Pimpkin

2008-12-03T16:11:00.003-06:00

Gendering Knights

2008-11-20T14:34:00.005-06:00

Dear readers,

When trying to determine the gender of a wild Knight, there are two things to consider. First, look for telltale signs of wear around the tasset (the males have an indelicate way of frequently scratching themselves). Second, check for scarves or bits of silk attached either to the headdress or to the lance. The males wear these as part of a mating ritual, to show that they have garnered the attentions of a female. Finally, you can use the GenderAnalyzer to analyze their blog. Subtle differences in writing style are sometimes the only way to determine the gender of a Knight in the wild, if the first two signs aren't present. I also recommend the Audobon Society's guide to Knights Errant to determine species and find out more about the Knights you see on your nature walks.

Cheerio,

Sans Loy

An Open Letter to Stephen Hawking

2008-10-23T16:40:00.003-05:00

Every once in a great while, a knight is obliged to ask some hard questions. Here is Sans Loy's hard question of the week. He is speaking in the third person in homage to Joe Biden and Bob Dole, who share a love of crossing both the political and the pronoun aisles.

i didn't blink

2008-10-14T15:46:00.005-05:00

Sarah Palin: Ben Stein sells a really good remedy for dry, itchy eyes.

The Penguin Persists

2008-10-10T15:21:00.012-05:00

Catwoman: We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.

The Penguin: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me... naked sexual charisma.

Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.

The Penguin: Ointment! Scented or unscented?

A Knight of Ill Repute Plays with his Food

2008-09-30T15:00:00.011-05:00

And by his side rode loathsome Gluttony,
Deformed creature, on a filthie swyne,
His belly was vp-blowne with luxury,
And eke with fatnesse swollen were his eyne,
And like a Crane his necke was long and fyne,
With which he swallowd vp excessiue feast,
For want whereof poore people oft did pyne;
And all the way, most like a brutish beast,
He spued vp his gorge, that all did him deteast.

In greene vine leaues he was right fitly clad;
For other clothes he could not weare for heat,
And on his head an yuie girland had,
From vnder which fast trickled downe the sweat:
Still as he rode, he somewhat still did eat,
And in his hand did beare a bouzing can,
Of which he supt so oft, that on his seat
His dronken corse he scarse vpholden can,
In shape and life more like a monster, then a man.

Vnfit he was for any worldy thing,
And eke vnhable once to stirre or go,
Not meet to be of counsell to a king,
Whose mind in meat and drinke was drowned so,
That from his friend he seldome knew his fo:
Full of diseases was his carcas blew,
And a dry dropsie through his flesh did flow:
Which by misdiet daily greater grew:
Such one was Gluttony, the second of that crew.

The Faerie Queene, Book I, Canto IIII

Ron Paul vs. RNC Round One... FIGHT!

2008-09-02T14:11:00.004-05:00

And Ron Paul wins round 1. Of course. The man has his own bloody dirigible, how could he lose?! To be fair, Sarah Palin's ballooning daughter is much more economical. In any case, Ron Paul's "Campaign for Liberty" is holding a "Rally for the Republic" to raise funds for their mission to "to promote and defend the great American principles of individual liberty, constitutional government, sound money, free markets, and a noninterventionist foreign policy, by means of educational and political activity." It ends today, but the fact that the Republicans could only get 2,000 people to show up at their convention while Ron Paul, who is NOT RUNNING, holds a successful rally across the street at the Target Center (and presumably is selling plenty of tickets, since the first event of the Campaign on Sunday was sold out) is pathetic. Oh Republicans, Ron Paul is so much more republican than you.

P.S. This post is not an endorsement or denouncement of Ron Paul's non-candidacy.

Back with a Bang

2008-08-26T16:54:00.002-05:00

Whew! It's been a crazy month. A Knight's work is never done, especially in such a shameful political climate, and between managing the estate, and a staff who doesn't know how many castles I own, and paying for the Lady's botox... well, it all gets to be a bit too much (speaking of Botox, nice speech Michelle Obama! Not a single wrinkle in evidence). But enough about my seven houses, I've been doing quite a bit of graphic work lately, so here's something to prove I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. Enjoy!

Razor Burn in Hell for War Crimes

2008-07-31T10:34:00.004-05:00

Speaking of shames (as we often are) Radovan Karadzic is appearing today before the international war crimes tribunal in The Hague for his role in the Srebrenica massacre of 7,000 Muslim boys and men, and in the seige of Sarajevo. And what, may you ask, is the most distinguishing feature of his trial so far? This knight would argue that it is probably the worst case of razor burn I've even seen, and, as the before and after pictures below will attest, there's a good reason for that: the man had been hiding behind a large furry animal for ten years. Anyway, there's plenty of coverage on this in the "MSM," but I'll end with this: Radovan, your face may be burning, but it's going to be a lot hotter for you soon.

Before

After (ouch)

Breaking News: Agent of Monty Python in UK Government

2008-07-25T16:11:00.004-05:00

The latest reports out of Britain have revealed a shocking political secret that the redcoats have been trying to keep from us since the fall of Tony Blair's government: Agents of the Monty Python comedy troupe have invaded the highest levels of the British Government, even going so far as to clandestinely replace the Prime Minister with subversive comedian Terry Jones.

One of the online goes off

2008-06-24T12:00:00.005-05:00

As I write this, I am not online. “Ah-ah-ah, there’s no such thing as an offline blog, Sir Knight,” the loyal reader retorts, “It’s a web-log, it has to be online.” But that, loyal reader, is where you and I must agree to disagree, for you see, I will no longer write posts for this blog while connected to the internet.

We are told in a hundred news stories a year about the “internet-generation,” those young squyeres and ladies who’ve see a score of winters, perhaps a few more, and seem to eat breathe and shit connectivity. If we are not checking the status of our “friends” on facebook, we are either updating our blogs, dropping our iPhones down the toilet, or trying to start a flash-mob in the nearest public square. Not only do we try to run our lives from the intent, our lives are on the internet in a very real sense.

Recently, after packing our cart with all our worldly possessions, hooking up the trusty steed, driving to our new castle and rearranging all the trestle-tables, fire-irons and torch-brackets, my new castle-mate and I lacked the energy to immediately call up our internet provider, well known as one of the peskiest companies in the realm. Two weeks passed, and while each of us repeated vague allusions to distant plans to have the service renewed, neither of us wanted to hack and slash our way through the web of customer service robots and representatives in order to make that happen. Last week, we each came out with what the other had been contemplating: perhaps we need not have an internet connection in our castle. “What a good idea!” we both said.

Here’s the thing: I spend most of my day at work staring at a computer screen. My email program is always running, my web-browser is always open, and my eyes are always glued to that screen. In part, it’s a necessity of my job. Thus, I have all the information a Knight could ever want right at my fingertips, and by the end of the day I want none of it. Before this revelation I would go home and fire up the computer, read the sites that were to involved for work, look at my news-feeds, and generally consume a lot of time wading through the soup of internet frivolities that seem now to have integrated themselves so thoroughly into modern culture. And slowly but surely, my castle started to feel like my office. I did the same things. My productivity at work flagged because I was stuck in a cycle of checking my favorite sites all the time, no matter where I was.

But, I’m proud to report, on June 1^st I stopped. I no longer care about the new iPhone. And when I’m home I blissfully, ecstatically do not know what’s going on. I’m writing this (first draft) with pen and paper, I will type it up during lunch tomorrow. I’m listening to a concerto by a man named Bach on the radio. Maybe you’ve heard of his music, it’s very avant-garde. Do you know what I’m going to do later? Read from a book. Sorry, I won’t be available to chat.

This doesn’t spell the end for Verecundia, not hardly. It does mean that my posts will be less frequent (not that I’ve been a paragon of regularity), but I also hope it means that these posts will be better; more carefully written, more interesting, and longer. I will still check the comments a couple of times a week, and I’ll still be on email during the day, but at five o’clock every weekday, I will officially renounce my status as one of the well-connected. No longer will long hours on a computer be voluntarily extended.

It’s time for me to go outside. Perhaps it’s time for you to join me.

Vindication in a Cause Célèbre

2008-06-12T14:15:00.004-05:00

Fellow knights, squyeres, ruffians, damsels, knaves, nobles and knee-biters, today is a day for celebration. Today the powers that be (in a 5-4 decision with Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. and Justices Samuel A. Alito Jr., Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas dissenting, speaking of knaves) overturned the Military Commissions Act of 2006, which gave the Emperor an exception to the writ of Habeas Corpus, which he used to grant the armed forces the power to hold prisoners in the Guantanamo Bay facility without the right to challenge their own imprisonment. This act had placed our fair kingdom essentially in a state of reduced liberty, where even the sorts of government reforms introduced by the beloved Magna Carta in the 13th century were ignored. The justification for this was thin: Guantanamo, being outside of US Sovereign territory, was considered in this case to be outside the jurisdiction of the Constitution, though the government acting in that location (as it has since 1903 under a lease from Cuba) is most certainly governed by that constitution. The court rejected this flimsy excuse to ignore an intrinsic part of the Constitution categorically in today's opinion, also citing a judicial precedent for their rejection,

Our basic charter cannot be contracted away like this. The Constitution grants Congress and the President the power to acquire, dispose of, and govern territory, not the power to decide when and where its terms apply. Even when the United States acts outside its borders, its powers are not “absolute and unlimited” but are subject “to such restrictions as are expressed in the Constitution.” Murphy v. Ramsey, 114 U. S. 15, 44 (1885).

As long as this decision is upheld, and our fundamental right to not be imprisoned without explanation or chance for petition is not challenged by another inane military maneuver by the likes of (Pretender to the throne) John McCain, who was a key proponent of the Military Commissions Act, then we shall remain free to watch over the government to whom WE lend the power of our collective will. Security, as the court so eloquently writes, does not consist wholly in the ability to throw any dissenter or perceived threat into the deepest, darkest dungeon at will. Security depends upon a sophisticated intelligence apparatus and the ability of our Armed Forces to act and to interdict. There are further considerations, however. Security subsists, too, in fidelity to freedom’s first principles. Chief among these are freedom from arbitrary and unlawful restraint and the personal liberty that is secured by adherence to the separation of powers. It is from these principles that the judicial authority to consider petitions for habeas corpus relief derives. So to celebrate your freedom not to be thrown in jail for no reason today, I offer a list of suggestions:

1. Get thrown in jail legitimately. I won't tell you how because they might be reading this.

2. Tell someone, anyone, or no one in particular, in the foulest terms possible, just how much you detest the emperor. Then kiss a baby.

3. Raise a glass of your favorite brew to Justices John Paul Stevens, Stephen G. Breyer, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and David H. Souter.

EDIT: Oh, and you can read the glorious decision in its entirety here: http://www.scotusblog.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/06-1195.pdf

Summer hiatus

2008-06-09T15:07:00.003-05:00

With the onset of summer came a number of responsibilities (which, as you might have already guessed, will be my alibi for the lack of updates). These responsibilities are as follows:

1. Crusading. Nothing says summer like reforming the heathen with a mace.

2. I decided to lease a new castle this year, one with a lot more porticos and in a better location, and I'm even saving some gold!

3. The iron steed really wants to be ridden when the weather turns, and we've logged many leagues together in the last few weeks while I've been staying away from the magic box of knowledge and naked harlots.

4.

Bowling and Bloviating

2008-05-15T14:49:00.003-05:00

So the other day I was bowling with a friend of mine from the hinterlands.(Gauntlets, by the way, do not work very well with bowling balls, but rather than let down my guard, I just searched around for a ball with over-sized finger holes. In keeping my friends close and my enemies closer, I sometimes get confused. Best to keep the armor on at all times.) It was a good time, grooving to the 1380's synth-pop and drinking some sort of strange sweet-beer, called Diet Pepsiye, I believe, which is reportedly enchanted to be non-fattening for the damsels. By the time we were done, of course, I desired something more substantial. To quote Prince Henry, from Master Shakespeare's play Richard IV,

PRINCE HENRY Before God, I am exceeding weary.
POINS Is't come to that? I had thought weariness durst not have attached one of so high blood.
PRINCE HENRY Faith, it does me; though it discolours the complexion of my greatness to acknowledge it. Doth it not show vilely in me to desire small beer?

Nay Henry, it doth not show vilely in thee. All men desire small beer betimes, in particular, we enjoy it coincidently with bowling. The Princes and Kings and Queens of the Realm also seem to enjoy bowling.

Truman Khan once enjoyed rolling with some rollers.

In an impressive show of power, Emperor Bush recently used some of his minions as bowling pins.

Prince Obama is reported to be a piss-poor bowler, though by all accounts he looks quite august while doing it.

Tsar Putin bowls with the same military intensity with which he fishes, bombs Chechnyan school-children, and quashes dissidents.

And Emperor Nixon, dashing as always in polyester, commissioned the bowling alley in the White Castle to be built in 1369, I believe it was. As his Holiness Hunter S. Thompson once said of Emperor Nixon, "He was a crook."

Dear Alderman Cardenas,

2008-05-13T10:46:00.003-05:00

I’m a resident of the 12^th ward and I’m concerned about the new ordinance regulating “Event Promoters” that is to come before the City Council tomorrow. While I understand that the purpose of the ordinance is to root out crooked event operators, people who profit from badly organized and unsafe events, I believe that the potential harm this law could cause to the freedom of assembly, commerce, and cultural climate of this city would make it unconscionable for you to vote to pass it through the City Council. As you know, your ward is home to a vibrant immigrant community, a community whose best chance to overcome the violence that it now faces (I reside in the Little Village, only a block from where a recent shooting took the life of a young man on the same weekend that dozens of others were shot last month) is to draw together to see what we have in common, and what we have to offer each other in peace. Music festivals and events are one way that a community can come together, I was recently at a Cinco de Mayo event in the neighborhood where I saw people from all walks of life gathered together to enjoy the weather, the music, and each other’s company. There was no violence, and no disruption, only a sense of communal enjoyment.

If this ordinance is passed, it will be much more difficult for small organizations to host events, like the one I attended, that promote community involvement and a sense of local responsibility. People who know their neighbors are less likely to feel alienated, and by extension to commit acts of violence in their own neighborhood. I hope you recognize that there are other ways to put a stop to unsafe events and gatherings: fire codes uniformly apply in the city, and if an event is truly unsafe, fire codes provide a just means to put an end to it. The new ordinance treads the same ground, and adds nothing to the utility already present in the enforcement of fire codes except to place unreasonably monetary demands on small time event operators; it also hinders the rights to free expression and assembly to which everyone in this country is entitled.

I hope you will consider voting against these modifications to the Chicago Municipal Code until a more just draft can be brought before the City Council, one which does not unreasonably impinge on the rights and livelihood of the residents of this city.

Sincerely,

Sans Loy

UPDATE FROM THE CHICAGO MUSIC COMMISSION:

UPDATE: TUES 13th 2p.m.
Event Promoter Ordinance Vote Postponed
Chairman Schulter (47th Ward) has decided not to report the event promoter ordinance out his City Council Licensing and Consumer Protection Committee. In other words, it will not be on the City Council agenda tomorrow and there will not be a vote on the bill as previously scheduled.

Chicago Music Commission is not sure when it will come out of Committee for a vote by the entire City Council, but we hope that Chairman Schulter will wait until he and the City have engaged the music community publicly and meaningfully so their concerns can be heard and hopefully incorporated into the eventual law.

We are pleased that Chairman Schulter has responded to the music community's concerns, and we look forward to working with him, members of the Committee, DBA staff and other music community stakeholders to come up with a workable version of the ordinance. CMC is committed to working with the music community to responsibly engage the City in this important effort.

Please stay tuned to this site for further updates about this ordinance and how you can help to make sure the Chicago music community's voice is heard.

Reflections on Happiness

2008-05-02T15:31:00.006-05:00

Foot Long and Fancy-Free

2008-04-30T15:42:00.001-05:00

Today after lunch with a fellow office-knight, I returned to my duties only to be apprehended again by the same, who pointed out that we both smelled like a mixture of baked goods and Subway sandwiches (of which our noonday repast was primarily composed). This is definitely a source of shame for me: I’ve been taken in by the rhetoric of Doctor’s Associates, Inc. (the holding-company of Subway brand restaurants): the promise of fresh bread and “Five Dollar Foot Longs” has been too much for this knight’s calorie-addled senses. Why does consuming twelve inches of bread smothered in cheese, farm-raised chicken, and cheap veggies seem like a good idea? [On the subject of food quality standards, Subway encouragingly notes on their website that “the SUBWAY® chain has initiated a number of "Gold Standard" policies regarding prepared food and produce manufacturing and inspection specifications.” It’s true, gold standards are very encouraging. My helmet, in fact, has a gold standard in the shape of a giant **** emblazoned on it. Whoops, I mean, a foot long sandwich. Makes you feel safe, don’t it?]

In a word, it is the illusion of choice. It is the idea that I can have anything I want on my sandwich (which today happened to be 3 different kinds of peppers, most importantly) to make it taste however I want. This is a falsehood. As my fellow office-knight noted, we smelled like Subway. Try it. Go into one of these fine establishments for a while, and see if you don’t have a distinctive odor about you when you come out – this is also the way your sandwich will taste, but the illusion of choice makes you think you’re getting exactly what you want. I do not approve of this sorcery, but its siren song calls me every day, “Sans Loy, oooooooooo, you can get so much more food for five dollars at Subway than at the abysmal Plum Café in the office. OoooOOooooooO”

And so I return, my tail between my legs, lamenting that I forgot to pack a lunch in the saddlebags today.

Bad form in LEGOland

2008-04-28T16:23:00.008-05:00

Your vote will NOT be tabulated

2008-04-25T09:26:00.013-05:00

This is a poll that will prepare you for any future elections in this kingdom. In order to be ready, you must put aside all questions of capability, integrity, policy or ethics. Just pick the picture you like best. (Poll is in the sidebar)

Your training is complete, squyere. You may now resume watching “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?” and eating your microwaveable, low-fat, chicken cordon-bleu. And when it does come time to select that special someone – making extra sure your chad is dangling seductively from your ballot – you may be secure in the knowledge that the person you have selected to ravage the economy for the next few years, much like when the Vikings ravaged East Anglia a while back, looks funny in press pictures sometimes.
UPDATE, 5/2/08: One vote, for Billy boy. Figures.

2008-04-23T10:40:00.006-05:00

Realizing that he is certainly not the only one to have noticed, ridiculed, and complained about the trio of commercial knaves behind Baron Barack Obama (or is he a Viscount? I can never remember), this knight is unimpressed by the “models” employed by the Ambercrombie & Fitch company. All of them had bad haircuts, one of them seemed a bit slack-jawed, and the others were alternately smirking and awkwardly trying to keep their “Change” signs from covering up their brand logos. If Obama had wanted to turn a good speech into a great speech (with this scenario, it would have been better than Clinton’s speech, which was reportedly the better of the two delivered last night), he should have had those shameless corporate shills ejected right as he was talking about his campaign’s refusal to take money from lobbyists and corporate interests. Whether or not it was intentional on the part of the Obama campaign, the presence of those giant white letters, “F-i-t-c-h,” burning into everyone’s retinas is not to be underestimated, and effectively distracted from a rather cunning response to losing a state primary election.

And as if the A & F boys weren’t enough, we were further diverted by the giant shiny pate of a man who looks almost exactly like Larry David bobbing up and down behind the contender for the throne.

Anyway, the whole thing gives me indigestion. Sans Loy is off to find some alka-seltzer, if the horse hasn’t eaten it all already. As my good friend Chaucer likes to say of alka-seltzer, “That is a fruyt ful wel to lyke, Namely to folk whan they ben syke.”

Nothing Better to Do?

2008-04-22T09:12:00.006-05:00

You may have noticed reports with headlines like this over the weekend, if you live in the kingdom of Chicago, like I do: “6 dead, more than 20 hurt in shootings over weekend.” One of these shootings took place a mere 100 feet from my castle,

“The first shooting occurred about 10:30 p.m. in the 2800 block of West 21st Street in the Southwest Side’s Little Village neighborhood, according to a report from the police First Deputy Superintendent’s office.

Killed was 26-year-old Angel Ramirez, of 2714 W. 23rd St., according to the Cook County Medical Examiner’s office, which said Ramirez was shot at 2854 W. 21st St.

The three men were standing on a corner, leaning on a car when the backseat passenger of a gray 4-door Chevrolet with three men inside opened fire with a handgun striking the men, according to Ogden District police Sgt. Juan Ortiz.

Ramirez was shot in the neck and reportedly dead on the scene. Another 26-year-old man was listed in "stable" condition at Mount Sinai Hospital with a gunshot wound to the left arm. A third male, 23, suffered a graze wound to the left thigh and was also in "stable" condition at Mount Sinai, according to the deputy’s report.

After the shooting, the gray Chevrolet fled westbound and then went north on Marshall Boulevard, Ortiz said.

Ramirez was a construction worker, and had no history of arrests but the other two victims do have arrest records, Ortiz said.

Ortiz said the drive-by attack is considered gang-related because the area where the shooting occurred is particularly known for gang violence.”

This is not the first such incident in my neighborhood since I settled there in June last year. My question is this: What drives a man to shit where he eats in such a manner? Is there so little to do, are there so few books to read, so few friends to see, damsels to woo, and indeed, such dull hope for life that these miscreants, who undoubtedly live nearby (a similar shooting which took place literally in front of the castle-gate was perpetrated by some barbarians who lived not two blocks away), are willing to sully the name of the very hamlet they live in? It is now “particularly known for gang violence.”

And it certainly cannot be for honor, one does not gun down a man in cold blood for honor. If fighting may be honorable, then it must be a fight on even ground, between similarly equipped opponents (this knight prefers the joust).

Nay, the pertinent questions – for we know that the obvious answer to the questions I posed above is “Yes.” – are those that must be posed to our society. Why is there a persistent underclass whose prospects are so lacking that they think little of killing each other, and less of the pall that it casts over their community? What can we do about it? I venture that perhaps it is time for some direct action from the Queen. To increase the peasantry's prospects, we must expand their minds; their education, first and foremost, should be the concern of this kingdom, and the royal coffers should be opened to accommodate this endeavor.

The "war" with the Persians, I fear, is now and has ever been merely a costly matter of political expediency, and the gold allocated to that faraway battle would be ever so much better spent on concrete matters to increase the happiness and productivity of those at home.

In the name of Cultivation and Precision

2008-04-21T14:12:00.006-05:00

Dear readers,

You may have noticed that the title of this guide (the word "blog" – if it may be called a word – is an affront to the Queen's English, a barbarism, a portmanteau, nothing if not French and crude) has changed today. This change is made to better reflect both the recent resurrection of this discourse, and a shift in this knight's thinking of late, a mark of my maturation in the service of that greatest Glorious Queene of Faerie lond... what's that you say, this is America? Balderdash, you speak of myths! Regardless, I encourage you to peruse the manifesto posted to the right, and to look for future postings on matters consequential and otherwise.

Your most humble servant,

Sans Loy

Brazen Bananas

2008-04-19T13:20:00.009-05:00

Which of us hasn't come in from a long day at work or play and felt that we needed something elemental to give us energy, something that combines the necessary calories with healthy nutrients and electrolytes? At this juncture, the most intelligent – the bravest and canniest among us – reach for a banana. It is the perfect fruit, or so we've been taught. But is it perhaps conceivable that this love for bananas, this potassium propaganda, has invaded the cultural consciousness not through health education and motherly advice, but ultimately derives from a far more vested source?
Chiquita Brands International, Inc. sells almost $5 billion worth of bananas and assorted fruit to the gullible every year. Despite a big financial upheaval in the ‘90s, (not to mention the 1998 scandal story in the Cincinnati Enquirer – later retracted – alleging environmental and human rights abuses by the company at its Latin American plantations) Chiquita (NYSE:CQB) now trades for about $23, up $10 from 9 months ago, and has a market cap of almost $1 billion. Big money, right?

Chiquita doesn't hesitate to exploit its standing in this vast market. In their words,

“more than 90% of the people in countries where our products are sold know the Chiquita name! In the U.S., our awareness level is even higher - 98%. That makes Chiquita one of the world's most recognized brands! We're proud of our reputation. It's something we've been working on for over a hundred years.”

Boy, she looks tasty, doesn't she? “Everyone knows Chiquita for our delicious fresh bananas.” This reputation they seem so proud of, so intent on protecting, the very reputation that they used to brainwash millions of us into eating mind-altering bananas every day, will stand no longer in the face of the evidence I am about to present here. Banana lovers, prepare yourselves for disillusionment.

I give you the true form of Chiquita bananas, with the evil spell of marketing cast off:

As Prime Banana Minister Winston Churchill said in a speech to the House of Commons & Plantains in July, 1941,

“You have committed every crime under the sun. Where you have been the least resisted there you have been the most brutal. It was you who began the indiscriminate campaign to force-feed us your evil bananas. We will have no truce or parley with you, or the grisly gang who work your wicked will. You do your worst - and we will do our best.”

Sans Loy returns, his quest incomplete, but his zeal undimm'd.

2008-04-18T09:42:00.004-05:00

In June, almost two years ago, I put on my armor, mounted my steed, packed a pouch of salt-pork, a wineskin and my trusty digital camera, and set off for lands unknown, endeavoring to bring shame to the uncouth peoples of the West. Internet access was sparse, and my resolve was sorely tried by an attack of the tropical measles and a pesky horde of gadflies. In my delirium, I wandered the digital underbrush, and forgot entirely to remember my kind sponsors in internet-land: those who laughed with me at other people.

Later, my travels took me to the far north, where it is the custom for the women to wear small animals stitched together as coats, and where they set their heads aflame, or perhaps paint them to mimic those traffic cones, which they seem to revere as holy totems. This is one such savage.

Gentle reader, I hope you will not take affront at this documentation of the crude practices of barbarians in faraway lands, but rather see by it that I am earnest in my pledge to once again bring shame to the shameful, and mirth to the rest. Sans Loy returns to civilization.

How gauche

2006-06-01T10:41:00.000-05:00

As you gaze into the depths of "Rick's" navel, just remember that I warned him that halter tops went out of fashion years ago.

Moisturize!

2006-03-23T21:31:00.000-06:00

Everyone knows that it's important to treat your skin well. The plethora of skin-care products available today speak to a certain obsession with the quality (not to mention quantity), tone and clarity of the skin we display when we're in public. What I want to know is why this man thought it was so important to moisturize his zyphoid process, which is generally not the first problem-area we think of in terms of skin care.

The only reason that presents itself that would cause one to be so particular about that little patch of skin in the concavity of one's chest: body shots. Alcohol is, after all, a denaturing agent, so I am forced to conclude that "Patrick" here must have been concerned with the effect of strong spirits on his delicate Irish skin. Perhaps he should have also been concerned with the effects of strong spirits on himself (the glassy quality of the eyes in this shot belies a certain amount of over-indulgence) but one can only admire his commitment to skin-care even in the face of advanced intoxication.

Lupe's faux pas

2006-03-16T11:08:00.000-06:00

Over the past weeks and months, I've become increasingly concerned with the manners and dress of our serving-woman "Lupe". Lupe hasn't been taking very good care of herself of late, and while she is still the hard-working, loyal, friendly busybody that she ever was, I've lately noticed a certain lack of professionalism in her mode of dress and personal grooming habits.

I have been wrestling with the idea of bringing it up for some time now, but I'm still just not sure how to broach the subject. At first I contemplated the direct approach, "Lupe, dearest, would you mind getting a haircut and waxing your chest hair? Also, I would prefer it if you would wear a bra, at the very least, while you scrub the hand-knotted Persian rug." But upon further consideration, it seemed as if the frankness of my request might offend her wholesome and simple sensibilities. I am now considering a more subtle hint to nudge her in the right direction, perhaps something like: "Lupe, dove, there seems to be an inordinate amount of chest hair on the divan, would you mind doing some vacuuming when you get the chance?"
Readers, if you have any suggestions for us on how to resolve the situation, please, don't hesitate to leave comments.

The Whitbread Seductress

2006-03-16T10:58:00.000-06:00

While a Whitbread Pale Ale carton does make a fetching hat, it's no excuse for being a shameless hussy. Seduction is the devil's work, junior shamers, and "Max" here is the devil's mistress. Any young dandy could fall prey to his tawdry charms if I weren't here to warn them. All of you should feel lucky you have an experienced Paladin like me to protect you from evil-doers like this.

Reader Beware

2006-02-20T17:34:00.001-06:00

I apologize for the lack of updates in the past week, rest assured, more shameful faces and places are in the offing. In the mean time, may I direct your attention to The Chicago Police Department Registered Sex Offender Database Search, because I (and I think I speak for the community in general on this one) am a little bit worried about these two: as shady a pair of characters as has ever graced this blog.

Modern Art

2006-02-12T15:32:00.000-06:00

In many ways I find modern art to be highly reprehensible, often crossing the boundaries of good taste and what can realistically be considered a work with artistic intention. The problem of intentionality is a big one, almost as big as the balls of this particular piece in Paris. Sometimes it's hard to tell whether an artist created something to look bad on purpose, or whether they created something that just looks bad. Speaking of things that look bad... I cannot even begin to imagine how uncomfortable this poor man must have been. Shameful.

2006-02-04T18:09:00.000-06:00

Now that you've finished running for the hills and returned, I have some information that might be worth some serious thought: no one has successfully proved or disproved that humans and gorillas can interbreed successfully. This article in Fate Magazine describes early attempts by Soviet scientist/innovator/nut-job Ilya Ivanovich Ivanov to create a human-ape hybrid. Strangely enough, he couldn't recruit enough (human) test subjects and the project was ultimately a bust. Strange, one would think that a woman would jump at the chance for a relationship with a well groomed, non-smoking, non-drinking, socially graceful guy, but then again, love is always a strange and fickle animal. Kind of like a shy gorilla. If I were a woman, I would definitely date the hunk pictured below. There's no shame in a little fur on a man.

Not such a big man now!

2006-01-29T00:19:00.000-06:00

I have a friend I'll call "Rick". Rick thinks he's the man. Thinks he has it all. The brains, the looks, the attractive girlfriend, the L.L. Bean wardrobe. Yeah, you think you're hot shit, don't you Rick? Well, we have ways of taking guys like Rick down a peg or two. One of those ways involves elaborately edited embarrassing videos, courtesy of "Sandy" of recent toilet-sitting fame.

A Mensch and a Nebish Walk Into a Bar...

2006-01-28T22:50:00.000-06:00

The majority of the citizens of this blog are here because they have something to teach us, most are examples of all that is wanton and deplorable, the kind of thing that makes you blurt out "Dude, that is just not right!" Consequently I secretly sprinkle holy water on all my friends and acquaintances while they're sleeping because: 1. If they're vampires or demons, they will BURN; and 2. Many of them don't bathe as often as they should) But the man, nay the mensch presented to you in this picture is as fine a specimen of righteous awesomeness as I have ever met. I mean look at him, the plush bathrobe, the inscrutable facial expression accented by those aviators, what doesn't he have going for him?

Also, it kind of looks like he's about to indulge in one of life's finer joys: a nice bowl of shisha. If you're not familiar with the joys of fine tobacco and a hookah, I urge you (if you're in Chicago) to check out one of the *ahem* head shops around Belmont. Alternatively, you can get some really good deals on hookah gear online. The guys at Hookah and Shisha Central are really nice, and one time when the bottom inexplicable dropped out of my hookah bowl, they sent me a new one free of charge when I sent them some pictures of it.

More pictures and commentary on shameful nebishes (and maybe a few menschen) soon!

Stinky

2006-01-28T22:30:00.000-06:00

This is my friend "Sandy". Apparently everything he knows is wrong. (Just so all my readers are clear on this, everything I know is right) It seems to me also a little bit suspect that "Sandy" is reading with the stall door open. A shameless sodomite if I ever saw one.

Edit: Check out this video of "Sandy" dancing. Though his time abroad in Italy has made him a better cook, the same cannot be said of his moves.

Not quite up to par...

2006-01-23T21:15:00.000-06:00

From the Hooters Employee Handbook, "The essence of Hooters is the Hooters Girl. Because it is essential to our success that the Hooters Girl image is always properly maintained, failure to comply with these Image and Grooming Standards may result in discipline up to and including termination... Hair is to be styled at all times... No bizarre hair cuts, styles or colors are acceptable... Make-up is to be worn always to best accentuate your features."

Hooters' standards seem to have declined somewhat in recent years, though to be fair, neither facial hair nor pipes are mentioned in the Employee Handbook; nonetheless it seems fair to say that these Hooters employees are in violation of the "bizarre hair" rules.

This blog was created for the express purpose of exposing people like this man. He is an embarrassment, yet society protects and hides him. A cruel world to be sure.

While society sometimes protects those it shouldn't, we should all take pause and remember that embarrassment and hilarity are not always one and the same. Anyone so lucky as to possess hair such as this should be praised and perhaps worshipped as an inspiration to us all. I say: let your freak flag fly.

Chicago's shame

2006-01-23T18:33:00.000-06:00

Once again we turn to things of which we are not proud. This is always difficult, people are wont to ignore things that are embarrassing; I am no exception, and thus it is hard for me to do this, but it's for our own good that we acknowledge our mistakes.

Steve Bartman, I think I can safely say that this man speaks for all Cubs fans. Chicago collectively hid its face on that terrible October day, and though it is painful to recollect, we must never forget our shame.

The first shame

2006-01-23T18:03:00.000-06:00

This is "John". He is currently my roomate and one of my best friends, but we were also roomates my first year, and as such he was one of the first people I met in Chicago who became part of my permanent social circle. The beer in his hand was one of eight that he would consume that night (one of which would be spilled upon my clean sheets). The other hand is pointing to his penis, which may or may not be small. The spilling and subsequent vomiting of the beer during the first weekend of my time at the University of Chicago is here chronicled as the inaugural act of what would and will be many shameful acts aired here for the general public's viewing pleasure. And, should anyone see this and wish to contribute documentation of shameful acts from their own personal experience, they should contact me (verecundia at gmail dot com), and I will be happy to help them spread the shame.